Songdo, South Korea is my escape, my outside to my prison cell, my bursted bubble, my Lake of Isle Innisfree. I think I need this to become myself. It calls to me.
So, I might have the opportunity to move to Korea to study at their new University of Utah campus. I'm really excited to go because it'll give me a chance to obtain some "kalayaan".
Songdo, South Korea is my escape, my outside to my prison cell, my bursted bubble, my Lake of Isle Innisfree. I think I need this to become myself. It calls to me.
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What if I just left in the middle of the night? Would anyone care? How would life be different? Would those close slowly forget me?
Each day, I persuade myself to not leave. But every day shows me more and more reason why I should leave. I have come to a conclusion. This world is going to kill itself. We have to put restrictions and warnings on everything that happens. People are constantly negative about anything that happens in the world. If, for instance, an Indian-blooded American wins the Miss America pageant, people fall back on racial slurs and comments because she's not "American"? If that is the case, almost no one in this godforsaken country is American. "'Murica" is the word, but how many of us can actually claim that. This country is built off of immigrants. Just because you're white doesn't mean you have the power. That's what's wrong with this country. People are ridiculously egotistical. The only time we even notice countries around us, other than England, Italy, and France, is when that countries cries out under the terrible destruction wrought upon them by us, the United States, or after the events of a natural disaster. Are we so blind to see that our success is based so much upon the people outside of this country. Why the hell do we worship a ten year old hick girl but can't even notice what really matters around us? How come people as ridiculous as Miley and Pink and Justin Bieber receive so much undeserved attention? There are people out there with actual talent and messages to share. Where are the Johnny Cashes and Bob Dylans and Paul McCartneys of our day? What happened to value in something raw and beautiful and real? When did truth become such a negative idea that we have to smother any hopes with blatant lies? This is why I don't I'm not proud of this country. We blindly follow morons into chaos. The blind are leading the blind into a disaster. Almost any other country on this planet understands true humanity better than this one.
In my life, I have lived in or gone through Washington, California, Nevada, Utah, New Mexico, Arizona, Wyoming, Illinois, Massachusetts, Missouri, South Dakota, Colorado, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Iowa, Nebraska, Ohio, Rhode Island, Idaho, Kansas, Maryland, Mississippi, New York, Oklahoma, Taiwan, Japan, and the Philippines. I'm excited for next summer when I'll travel to Mexico with my buddy and I'll return to California again.
For a long time now, one of my greatest ambitions has been to be able to travel and it's nice to say that I've been to quite a few places. Mexico will come next year and I'm considering moving to South Korea for school for approximately one year. I'm still unsure if I will, but it's an opportunity that is rare. Along with that, I may or may not be going to Hawaii on vacation in the next few years or so. I hope so, because I've never been and people constantly tell me how wonderful it is. Outside of the country, I've only been to Asia and I love Asia and I would spend every waking moment of the rest of my life exploring it if I could, but I also would love to travel to Europe. Ireland, London, Paris, Sweden, Germany, the Vatican, Greece. If only I were able to afford that life. Unfortunately, I'm poor and if I every experience the world, it'll be when I'm near dead most likely. However, if I could live outside of the country, I would move to the Philippines. My heart belongs to the Filipinos. When I dream, I dream in monochrome.
This statement I made up years ago in a poem, but didn't read the underlying message in that phrase until later. Dreaming in monochrome is the way that writers see things. Now, I'm not saying that when we dream, it's all black and white, but writers grasp every situation, or idea, or interesting detail from the world around them and keep in mind that stories are built off of real life situations. No one wants to read a book in which they can, in no way, relate to the characters, or the events, or the emotions. We dream in monochrome. The black and white on the pages of books. Well, in that case, I dream in monochrome, but I also envision things as they are, in a broader spectrum, and attempting to retain every piece of beauty within. A shadow on a sidewalk is just a shadow on a sidewalk unless you open your mind to receive it as art. The shadow represents the object which represents ideas. When we look at our own shadow, we see ourselves, but only a mask. Grasp things in live as they are. The sun is light. It provides life for everything, but it also is what allows us to see things, such as shadows. Now, I didn't begin this to write philosophy and interpretation of things, but I'd rather discuss the way I dream, but not the dream that occurs within sleep. It isn't the dream that we hope for. Many people dream to be famous, or rich, or beautiful. I've learned I don't care too much for any of those. When you become rich, people beg you for things and you never truly achieve the wealth to satisfy you completely. When you're famous, you lose your privacy and alone time. When you're beautiful, people fear you, envy you and despise you. I found that my dream is my life. I recently discovered for myself that love is weakness. I had heard this before, but recently, I understood that it really means that you give everything, your privacy, your satisfaction, your alone time, your wholeness and singularity for love. I don't know if I've experienced love, because I don't have any desire to give all of that away for someone who might easily take you up by the heartstrings and dangle you from the gallows of despair. Why risk the trust and faith and realness of yourself to have someone mangle them and destroy you from the inside out. It doesn't make sense to me. Since I don't believe I've felt this emotion, if I had, it was brief, I dream of leaving. I dream of exploring the world and rather than leaving myself vulnerable to the malicious torment of another being, I will give my love to many, so if one should attempt to ruin me, I have many to keep me together, to bring that truth of myself back to the surface. I don't want to lose myself in my attempt to gain a life. Rather I would love to lose my life to gain friendship and trust and love; an unconditional love. I want to love, but I can't feel it right now. There's too much force and judgement and hate being involved in my life. I barely sleep now because I fear the next moment. Why can't I see something as what it truly is? It's because I've been trained by society to judge things without knowing or understanding. Life is a cycle. We are born. We live. We die.
Each morning of each day, which is specified by men as 24 hours, we wake up. We follow some sort of routine and then sleep in preparation for the exhaustion waiting for us in the morning. This is what we know about life. We simply exist, or if we have a belief, we follow that, but essentially it is the same thing. We just involve the duties or reduce certain activities from the list. My life for some reason has been absolutely sporadic lately, and in all honesty, it's driving me insane. Honestly, I'm sick of my cycle. The life I'm living is boring and too stressful. Not to say that I'm lazy, but there's too many sources of pressure. School, work, church, family. With all that levels of stress plus the negative jokes that may circulate associated with my physical attributes with no regard for my actual personality or truth, I just can't focus on anything. I love my family, but honestly, I've only been close with my sisters on distant levels and my brother bullied me for half of my life and then pretty much ignored me for the other half. Then my parents are just pushing me towards a goal which is good, but I can't venture a little bit. It's all about doing certain things and not stopping and internalizing my own desires. School is just school and I wish it were completed now, so I could use my money on other things like not being stuck in my parents' basement (actually in the room adjacent to theirs). I believe in God, my church and the doctrine, but honestly, a lot of it is force or disappointment. Because I can't always make certain assignments or activities, my leaders act as if I'm abandoning them and it makes me feel more and more uneasy around them. This pattern leads to my absence from these activities more often than not. Work is, well work. Not that I hate my job. In fact, I like it. I just get frustrated more than I should with certain aspects. It's not great, especially considering most times that I am at work, my day was bad because of the previously mentioned sources of stress. So, I'll be working and have some guy yell at me for something out of my control after I had been yelled at by church leaders and had a bad day at school which produced a terrible reaction from my dad. That's not fun. If I were to have my way, I'd play music in front of live audiences and record albums and make enough money to relieve a huge deal of stress. That, of course, is very unlikely, so I will most likely end up moving to a foreign country and find a small job and work to make near bare minimum in a third world country so I don't have so many things tying me down and crushing me. Life is circles. Everything about it is either circular in motion, design or activity. We are circular shapes who bleed circular blood cells. We inhabit a planet that is circular in a solar system that circles around itself. The universe is also believed to be spherical since the big bang expands outward in every direction. I'd just like to change my life into a different circle. |
AuthorMatthew Petrucci characterizes himself as a kind and friendly person. Writing, music, and any sort of artistic hobby suits Matthew as entertainment and enjoyable. He embraces close friendships and remains true and loyal to those who take him in. Archives
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